Dear Daughter,
It’s funny how in school they teach us to speak, but not how to listen. Listening is more important than speaking, so you would think it would play a bigger part in the curriculum. Please promise me Elsa, that you don’t become one of those people who needs to talk just to hear your own voice. Someone who thinks that speaking means adding value to the conversation. I see this behavior in people all the time, and it always blows my mind how people are not more self aware. That is the definition of poor leadership.
I think the biggest challenge in my career coming from Sweden to the US, has been the difference in how we view listening and speaking. In Sweden we are taught to listen and take in all information before we talk, and if you don’t have anything valuable to add to the conversation, you don’t speak. Here in the US you need to add something to every conversation, or you are not perceived as a leader. This results in a lot being said in meetings, and people talking about things that add nothing to the goal of the meeting. This derails the conversation, which is a waste of time. Valuable, expensive time. It also leads to people being perceived as self-serving, which can have a big impact on company culture. Listening is not only important for learning new things in your career, but it is also critical to know how to listen as a leader. A leader who never listens to their team, is going to eventually have a team who has given up on providing feedback and information, and then you have nothing.
A good way to add value to conversations is to ask thoughtful questions that will spark additional ideas and drive the conversation forward. Come prepared to meetings with your thoughts on the topic. If you are not familiar with the topic, give the speaker your undivided attention and take the opportunity to learn. Show everyone that you are listening by asking clarifying questions, repeat back what was said, or highlight something that was said in the conversation that you agree with.
Don’t stress about saying the right thing in meetings. You can easily get in the trap of thinking of the next thing to say instead of listening, so you leave meetings not even knowing what was discussed. There is also nothing more frustrating when someone at the end of a meeting ask questions about something that was discussed at the beginning of the meetings, so make sure you pay attention throughout the meeting.
Another benefit of being a good listener is that it will help you in negotiations and sales. Nothing is more powerful than silence when you are negotiating a deal. Silence is uncomfortable for many people so it will put you in a winning position. Being a good listener will also improve relationships in your life. Empathic listening will help you connect with people on a different level, and what is more important than that? Silence is a virtue to be valued.
I miss the silence at our house in Sweden every day…
