Dear Daughter,
I got a question from a young woman the other day, regarding a subject that many of us are struggling with as we start our careers. She was asking how she can build confidence as a woman starting her first professional job. She was saying that despite how competent her and her female friends are at work, they have a tendency to question their performance in their daily work tasks more than their male friends. This is something women in all generations have and are experiencing, and it makes me furious.
Elsa, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but I was very shy when I was young and definitely lacked confidence. When I started working, I would panic in meetings trying to come up with something smart to say and I would constantly question myself and my competency. On top of that, growing up in Sweden, they tell you not to speak unless you have something valuable to add to the conversation, which didn’t help the situation. Being someone who analyzes everything, I’ve thought about this a lot trying to figure it out. Looking back at my upbringing and the Swedish culture, I think that being praised for being quiet and when I did something good has programmed me to be “well behaved” at all times, and feel like I have to ask for permission to be seen. I really hope that I haven’t pushed that behavior on you, Elsa, and if I have I’m sorry. I hope by bringing this to your attention, it is something you can be aware of and work on it. When I look at your generation and the harsh, judgemental environment online, I’m worried that the feeling of being judged and not being good enough is going to have an even bigger impact on your career than mine.
One thing I’ve noticed in my career is that my male friends would also doubt themselves, but they didn’t let it stop them. They would just shrug their shoulders and keep on going. They didn’t care how they were perceived. We need to learn to do the same. When you think about it, Elsa, what is the worst that could happen? Why are we so afraid of failing? Everyone makes mistakes. We need to stop striving for perfection, see ourselves as lifelong learners who constantly learn from our mistakes, and keep on going.
To improve our confidence, one of the easiest things we can do is change how we represent ourselves. It’s pretty amazing how much more confident you can feel in a new outfit. We might not feel the need to dress up or fix our hair when we work from home but it helps us feel more confident, and it impacts how people perceive us. Blur out your background and sit straight. Another thing that helps, believe it or not, is smiling. No matter how crappy my day is, Elsa, I always smile. It doesn’t just impact how other people perceive us, but on a deep level it also impacts how we feel. Smiling brightens my day just as much as other peoples' day, and it builds a brand as a positive leader. There are other things you can do as well to help your confidence:
Ask your manager and coworkers for honest feedback. If they think that you are doing great, why would you not believe it too?
Be mindful of how fast you talk. People who are nervous and insecure tend to talk fast, so by slowing down you will look and feel more confident.
The feeling of being a fraud will not stop popping up, but you can learn how to manage it by challenging your thoughts and pushing back on negative thoughts. Change the soundtrack in your head to play positive messages only.
Don’t compare yourself to others, and only focus on your own goals and achievements. Nothing good comes out of measuring yourself to others.
Empower yourself with knowledge. The more you know, the more confident you will feel
Practice speaking up in meetings. One good tactic to use is to repeat what others say - “Peter, I agree with what you said about xx….” That way it becomes easier and easier to play an active role in meetings and be heard.
My biggest recommendation, daughter, is to not let your lack of confidence stop you. Just smile, fake it ‘til you make it and keep on going!
